“As a result of this, many of his disciples returned
to their former way of life and no longer accompanied him.
Jesus then said to the Twelve, ‘Do you also want to leave?’
Simon Peter answered him, ‘Master, to whom shall we go?
You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe
and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.’”
If I am honest, there have been several times in my life when I wanted to leave the faith of my parents, and later my own. That has varied from leaving the Catholic Church to leaving Christianity all together. Three examples are below:
First, in high school, I was influenced by a summer I spent as a cultural exchange student in Japan. Already questioning the beliefs of Christianity and open to rationalism, existentialism, and cultural diversity, my experience of Shinto shrines in the mountains on Shikoku, Buddhist temples, the nuclear bombed city of Hiroshima and the International Peace Park, and modern secular Japanese culture called into question my simplistic childhood faith. It wasn’t an abandonment of belief in something transcendent, but I did begin to hold a theory that god was an impersonal force, maybe within creation, and that life depended upon balancing paradoxes. A very powerful experience of God’s love through my classmates on my senior retreat oriented me back to an adult appropriation of what it means for God to be love, for God to be a person who loves.
Second, in college, I had a powerful experience of the third person of the Trinity, the Holy Spirit, facilitated by evangelical Christians. I became very involved in Protestant bible studies and prayer groups. I met wonderful people who sought to live authentic lives of faith in God, which contrasted pretty starkly with many of the Catholic cadets I knew who went to mass on Sunday, but didn’t seem to let that have an affect on the rest of their lives. I faced hypocrisy within our church and was challenged by Protestant brothers and sisters to abandon the Catholic faith. It was an excruciating process over several months, but I finally affirmed my Catholic faith because of the readings we have read from the Gospel of John, chapter 6, over the past several weeks (i.e., “my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink”). Even using the methods of interpretation common to my Protestant friends, I couldn’t avoid the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. This affirmation of belief came with direction from God, “I have placed you where I want you, bring about my kingdom where you are.”
Third, in seminary, I actually took a leave from seminary for three years and returned to Louisville where I worked in the private sector. It was an important time of growth for me because it was the first time I lived as an adult outside of an institution (Air Force or Catholic Seminary) that had significant external rules for my life. Who was I going to be when no one was telling me who I was going to be? I started to drift from the Catholic Church during this time. It wasn’t so much a turning away from faith as it was apathy. For some of that time, the Church just didn’t mean much to me and I rarely went to mass. There was no powerful experience that pulled me back. It was the gentle and persistent echo of God’s love that reminded me of who I was. I drifted back like a boat pushed by the smallest waves and lightest breeze. Reaching shore, I knew I was home.
God has been at work in various ways at each of these times in my own life, and I believe in yours, too. And God is at work in hearts and lives today in the same way. Grace abounds. Love calls. Mercy reigns. Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.