Before the LORD the whole universe is as a grain from a balance
or a drop of morning dew come down upon the earth.
But you have mercy on all, because you can do all things;
and you overlook people's sins that they may repent.
For you love all things that are
and loathe nothing that you have made;
for what you hated, you would not have fashioned.
And how could a thing remain, unless you willed it;
or be preserved, had it not been called forth by you?
But you spare all things, because they are yours,
O LORD and lover of souls,
for your imperishable spirit is in all things!
Therefore you rebuke offenders little by little,
warn them and remind them of the sins they are committing,
that they may abandon their wickedness and believe in you, O LORD!
Why do I believe in God? Even before the question about why I am a Catholic (or even ordained as a priest), this is fundamental to how I live my life. Certainly, I am grateful for the faith passed on to me by my parents and grandparents, the examples of faith active in the lives of family and friends, and the many witnesses to faith I’ve had in my life. At some point, however, faith has to become my own. It’s not just what I have received, but what I have accepted, affirmed, and possessed. It is my belief. This is part of the reason we changed from saying “we believe” to “I believe” when we pray the creed together at mass. I believe within the necessary context of community, but it is still deeply personal. It is my belief.
I have struggled at numerous times with different aspects of belief, but I have only had a few crises of faith, where belief altogether was challenged. The first was in high school, after a cultural exchange program to Japan, where I returned holding to the idea that the divine was some sort of impersonal force that assisted me in balancing paradox in my life. An encounter with love started to shift my understanding again: if God loves then he must be personal for only a person can love. In college, my Catholic faith was challenged deeply by well intentioned Protestant brothers and sisters. Even using their own understanding of scripture, I couldn’t let go of the sixth chapter of John’s Gospel and the understanding of the Eucharist as the body and blood of Jesus given in love for us. Although deeper and more painful, the practice of my faith was challenged after I left seminary the first time due mostly to apathy and a lack of practice. I rarely went to mass and, when I did, I rarely had a positive experience until I began, again, to listen to the healing voice of God’s love in my heart that drew me back to community. The first major revelations about the sexual abuse scandals in the Church in 2002 profoundly challenged my commitment to discerning a vocation to priesthood and the resiliency of my belief. At each of these times (and at a few others) my grasp on belief was tenuous. The loss of relationships, personal and family tragedies, and the death of loved ones added other and different challenges to my faith. I have wrestled with ultimate questions and have traveled the ups and downs of faith. So, why do I believe in God?
At the most basic level, I believe in God because I have encountered love. A love beyond me, yet within me. A love so powerful that it created and holds in existence the whole universe. A love so gentle that it is heard in a whisper. A love so close that it lives within. A love so patient that it’s mercy never fails. A love that is deeply human. A love purely divine. A love that gave it all, brings life from death, and renews the whole world. A love that doesn’t make sense in itself, but does make sense of everything else. A love that has loved me, has healed me, and continues to change me. A love that forgives. A love that makes it all worth it. Love is the reason I believe in God. I believe because God is love.